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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782683">star shopping</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersm00n/pseuds/maraudersm00n'>maraudersm00n</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Jegulus Week 2021 | Starchaser Week 2021, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:29:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersm00n/pseuds/maraudersm00n</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Regulus leaves James and joins voldemort, James is convinced he is doing it for the right reasons. But after he pours his heart into a letter and gets nothing in return, he is forced to give up hope.<br/>Until Regulus shows up on his door step.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dear Regulus</p><p>I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I don’t know what to say.<br/>Everything used to come easily to me. I got a loving family right off the bat. Then I got loving friends to match. I got sorted into the exact house I wanted. I became popular just off of me being myself. <br/>I know it sounds like I’m bragging. <br/>But the truth is when it comes to you, nothing is easy. <br/>I never know what to say, or where to put my hands when I’m speaking. I never know how to make you smile, or how to stop you when you cry. <br/>I don’t know how to love you in the way you need. <br/>And it’s so scary, because all I want is to love you. <br/>It feels like everytime we take a step forward, we take two back. <br/>I don’t really know how to say this. </p><p>I remember in second year, and you were on the platform. You looked so young, and scared. Which, I reckon I probably looked the same my first year. Your mother had her hand on your shoulder and I could tell you wanted to pull away. <br/>Anyways you came on the train and sat in our compartment, because Sirius asked you to. <br/>Even though your cousins told you to sit with them, or the other slytherins, you sat with Sirius just because he asked you. <br/>And when you got sorted into Slytherin, and Sirius was furious, you told him you would go to Dumbledore and switch it, if it meant you and him could still be friends. </p><p>In fifth year, (your fourth), You and Sirius fell out because you were around the “wrong sort.” I found you in the astronomy tower that night. <br/>You were just standing there, staring into the night, so focused you didn’t even hear me. </p><p>I’m so glad I found you that night. </p><p>And now I don’t know what to say. We’re on different sides now. <br/>I know you aren’t evil. I know you did a lot of things because you didn’t have a choice, and Sirius didn’t understand that. But I’ve been waiting, this whole time I have. </p><p>And I love you. More than I love the moon at night or the sun in the sky. Even more the quidditch (I know)</p><p>But I can’t wait any longer. I can’t sit here wondering if you’re alive. Checking the daily prophet every morning just to see if your name is there. <br/>Or thinking about if you even miss me, at all. </p><p>So, I’m sending this letter, praying it will reach you. I want you to tell me if it’s worth it. For me to keep waiting. Or if I need to bite the bullet. Move on. </p><p>I will always love you. I know this for certain. In the way I know that when I look in the sky, I can look for your star, and it will always be there. </p><p>A constant. </p><p>Yours, James. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>James</p><p>Please do not write.</p><p>R.A.B</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Where are you?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took two months for Regulus’ letter to arrive, and six months for him to show up on his doorstep. </p><p>It was a cold night, with a light mist in the air. There was a full moon so Remus and Sirius were out in the field by their little cottage. James didn’t join them this month because his order business was keeping him busy and he needed all the time off he could get. </p><p>James was sitting on his sofa, with his legs tucked underneath him, a large bowl of cereal and a bottle of firewhisky. (he was aware it was a weird combination) <br/>He was watching the muggle news, because sometimes wizards appeared with warnings written underneath like, “last seen on magnolia ave” or “Beware, is carrying a gun” <br/>As he was watching this, and eating his large snack, a loud hurried knock pounded his door. </p><p>As a member of the order, you are never supposed to open the door unless you're waiting for someone. <br/>A few months back, Daniel Jones, a muggleborn from Hogwarts was killed after he opened the door for a particular angry death eater. The order has charms on most of the members houses, but they break while your door is open. </p><p>So James ignored the knocking. But it didn’t stop. It was loud and hurried. Like there was someone chasing them. <br/>James tried to drown it out. He just thought, “They have the wrong house, it’s nothing” but for 5 minutes straight, the knocking continued. </p><p>And then he heard him. </p><p>Regulus’ weak voice rang in his ears. He heard, “James, It’s me” but it sounded like a whisper, just barely there. <br/>James didn’t think,  he just threw his bowl on the coffee table and ran to the door. <br/>And sure enough when it opened, it was none other than Regulus black. </p><p>He looked horrible. His hair was now shoulder length, and tangled and wet. He had rips in his shirt, and he could see blood underneath. He had a horrible gash on his face. <br/>But his eyes were the same, stormy grey, hard like steel. </p><p>James just stared. It had been a year since he last saw him, and yet it was like seeing him for the first time. <br/>Regulus didn’t say anything either, just stared back. </p><p>“What happened” James finally got out. </p><p>“Can I come in”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>James led Regulus inside his small house to the kitchen. Regulus took a seat on one of the chairs around the table and James got a bowl of hot water and a towel. </p><p>“Can I clean the blood?” he asked. James was so nervous he was shaking. </p><p>Regulus just nodded, and took off his shirt. James began to wipe off the dried blood carefully. </p><p>This felt too intimate. So intimate that James had to remind himself Regulus was injured. <br/>Hadn’t Regulus shut James down, after he had poured his heart into his letter. Hadn’t Regulus told him not to write, not even acknowledging that James said he was in love with him. </p><p>Yet here he was, squatting next to his kitchen table, cleaning blood from his death eater ex lover. </p><p>“I’m sorry” James heard, in just barely a whisper. His head shot up, surprised. </p><p>“For what”</p><p>“For my letter”</p><p>James dropped the cloth in the bowl and sat on the floor with his head in his hands.</p><p>“I can’t do this Reg”</p><p>James couldn’t meet his eye. He was so… mad?</p><p>“James, please let me explain i-”</p><p>“No.” James said firmly. “I can’t listen to your fake apology Regulus. I waited for you, I told myself you were good, that you did things for the right reasons, even if it wasn’t the right way. But it was YOU who chose to let me go, not me”</p><p>James looked up. </p><p>“I left,” said Regulus softly. </p><p>“What do you mean”</p><p>“Grimmauld Place. I left”</p><p>That was the last thing James expected to hear. Because that means he was done. That means he was done with Orion and Walburga. That he was done with Voldemort. </p><p>“Why” was all James said. </p><p>James heard Regulus take a long breath, like he was working up for a big speech, but when he let it out it was short and fast. </p><p>He simply said “You”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I know that i'm not that important to you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James didn’t sleep well that night. </p><p>How could he sleep when Regulus Black was in the room just beside him, laying on the couch. </p><p>James was confused. And tired. And confused. <br/>What was he supposed to do. He couldn’t just forgive Regulus. Not after everything. <br/>But he left. He left and came here, of all places.</p><p>James rolled over to the other side of the bed with a huff. He would not be sleeping tonight. </p><p>***</p><p>The morning came in a dazzling light, and for a moment, James forgot all about last night. It was as if he was waking up any other day. </p><p>Of course this wasn’t the case. </p><p>In the living room, Regulus layed sleeping on the couch. He looked peaceful. His face wasn’t set in a rock hard position. His eyes weren’t piercing.<br/>It was unnerving. </p><p>James made a pot of coffee and chugged two cups black. He needed it if he would make it through this day. <br/>He briefly thought about contacting Sirius, but decided to wait until Regulus woke up. </p><p>As if on cue, Regulus’ figure stirred, and he shot up abruptly. He calmed down once he saw James’ face. </p><p>“Morning” James said softly. </p><p>Regulus pulled himself off the couch and walked over to where James sat at the kitchen table. </p><p>“May I have a cup”<br/>James rolled his eyes. “Must you be so formal” but poured him a cup all the same. </p><p>Regulus sat across from him, sipping his coffee and not saying a word. James was the first to speak. </p><p>“So, do you want to tell me why you will have a fresh scar across your face”</p><p>Regulus seemed to subconsciously rub a hand across the cut and allowed his hard demeanor to drop for a moment. </p><p>“It wasn’t easy getting out”</p><p>Regulus said this so painly, James could only stare. </p><p>“I’m fine James” said Regulus, as if reading his mind. </p><p>“Well clearly not.”</p><p>Silence washed over them like a blanket, but it wasn’t awkward. It was comfortable, like the times they sat atop the astronomy tower, or when Regulus would sneak into his dorm, and just lay with him. </p><p>“James” began Regulus, biting his lip. </p><p>“Yes”</p><p>“I need you to know, the letter-”</p><p>“No,” said James, cutting him off. “I don’t need to know, it will probably make me feel worse.”</p><p>Regulus just stared at him. Unblinking. </p><p>“I loved you. As well”</p><p>James just looked at him. What was he to say. What could he ever say. <br/>He tried to be mad, but all that filled him was a spark. Like a match relighting after burning out. He felt happy. </p><p>“Why didn’t you just say so.”</p><p>Regulus finally looked away. “Because I couldn’t admit it and then not be with you. It was too hard.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to say”</p><p>“You don’t need to say anything. I didn’t expect you to forgive me right away, or at all for that matter”</p><p>James hated that he said this so easily, as if he could just live without him, as if it wasn’t like life with no air, as if it wasn't like a piece of him was gone. <br/>James got up and went to his room. </p><p>James was pacing<br/>Lost in his thoughts. This was the last thing he needed in his life. The last thing he expected. </p><p>Yet it was all he wanted. </p><p>Regulus used to be his life. (He still was if he was being honest)<br/>But he had broken his heart. </p><p>James knew it was never going to be easy. He knew they were going to have to fight. He just never expected Regulus to give up so easily. </p><p>But he’s back thought James. That has to mean something right? He wouldn’t have come back if he hadn’t been thinking about James too. </p><p>He was pulled from his thoughts by a knock at the door. </p><p>“James” he said, just barely above a whisper.</p><p>“Yes” </p><p>“I can leave. If you don’t want me here”</p><p>“No!” said James a little too quickly, and he didn’t miss the light returning to Regulus’ eyes. “I just mean, I don’t want you to feel you have to leave. I, don’t want you to leave”</p><p>Regulus nodded. “Shall I close the door”</p><p>“No it’s fine, I’m coming out.”</p><p>James followed Regulus back into his living room and threw himself on the couch. </p><p>“We should tell Sirius” James began</p><p>“James, He will never forgive me”</p><p>“You don’t know that” and truthfully, James didn’t know either. </p><p>Regulus sat on the other end of the couch, careful to not be too close to James. James hated it. </p><p>“Okay” said Regulus softly “We’ll tell him”</p><p>“Did you want to go now?” </p><p>“Perhaps in a little, once I’ve eaten” </p><p>“Oh!”</p><p>James had forgotten to offer Regulus food. But could you blame him, a love confession can really throw someone off their game. </p><p>“I really only have cereal for breakfast”</p><p>“Cereal is fine”</p><p>They ate in silence, sitting on opposite sides of the couch. <br/>This was horrible. The silence. It was like they were at Hogwarts again, always close yet far. Glances at each other but never speaking. He couldn’t take it. But this time Regulus broke the silence. </p><p>“Did you ever tell Sirius”</p><p>“Tell him what?”</p><p>“That you, um, that you loved me?”</p><p>Regulus said this like a question. “No I didn’t” he said, “Did you?”</p><p>“Of course not. I’ve only told you”</p><p>“Did you want me to have.”</p><p>Regulus looked up and met James’ eyes</p><p>“To have told him” he finished. </p><p>Regulus shook his head. “I wouldn’t have been mad if you had. I just know he wouldn’t understand. I think he would hate me even more.”</p><p>“Sirius doesn’t hate you” James started but Regulus cut him off. </p><p>“You don’t need to try and make me feel better. I deserved it.” He took a shaky breath. “I’ve done some horrible things”</p><p>James didn’t say anything for a while. Of course he knew this. You can’t be a death eater and not have some crimes up your sleeve. But James didn’t believe it made Regulus horrible. <br/>Hadn’t James committed crimes too? Just because he was fighting for good doesn’t change the law. </p><p>“Regulus, I know you made a bad choice. But I think a part of me knew you would come back. I think you just needed more of a push then others. Needed to be a part of the bad to really understand the extent of it. I don’t blame you”</p><p>Regulus had never looked so sad. James couldn’t bear it. But he couldn’t bring himself to move either. </p><p>Regulus took one deep breath. “Thank you”</p><p>***</p><p>James sent a letter to Sirius that morning, and my dinner time, he was at his door step. </p><p>Regulus had been pacing around the house. His nerves seemed to be infecting James as well. He felt like HE had something he had to tell Sirius as well. </p><p>I suppose he did. </p><p>When the knock came, Regulus’ whole body went still. He looked at James, eyes scared. </p><p>“Want to wait in my room while I tell him?” asked James. “That way you can hear his reaction before seeing him” </p><p>Regulus just nodded and walked silently into James’ room, and shut the door. </p><p>“James!” exclaimed Sirius when he opened the door. “Your note was so short I thought something had happened, but your fine”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine” replied James plainly, he opened the door wider so Sirius could step inside. “You should probably sit down.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. That's why your friends always hating on me.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James remembers when he first really saw Regulus. </p><p>It was a perfectly normal day. I had class, ate lunch with the marauders and quidditch practice at night. <br/>I wasn’t expecting a fight. </p><p>Me and Sirius were walking in the dungeons, I don’t really remember why, and there you were. </p><p>Standing against the wall, staring into space. You didn’t even say anything when you saw us. </p><p>“Regulus” said Sirius as a way of greeting. You just nodded.</p><p>“You alright” Sirius tried, but you snapped quickly with a no. </p><p>“I’m just trying to help” said Sirius</p><p>“I don’t need your help.”</p><p>“Oi! Don’t be a prick”</p><p>James doesn’t really know what happened next. Regulus doesn’t normally rise to bait, so when Sirius got hit with a nasty stinging hex, he was too shocked to even throw one back before Regulus quickly walked away. </p><p>Later that night, James had just been in the hospital wing with Sirius because his eye got close to infected from the hex, and Sirius likes staying the night there anyway, so James made his way back to gryffindor tower.</p><p>But when he checked the map, he saw Regulus, standing atop the astronomy tower. In a last minute impulse, we made a sharp left and headed that way. </p><p>The astronomy tower at night is incredible. You can see every star in the sky from the top of it. There's a cool breeze that runs through the half walls, but never uncomfortable. Below you see the tops of the dark green trees and the shimmer of the lake, above, outerspace.</p><p>When James finished climbing to the top, he saw Regulus, staring so intently into the darkness. A perfect mask of numb across his features. He didn’t even hear James come up. </p><p>“Regulus” James said lowly, Regulus spun so fast on his heel James thought he would sprain it. </p><p>“What” said Regulus sharply</p><p>“I just, wanted to apologize, for the hallway”</p><p>“James, I could not care less” He replied curtly. </p><p>“Right” said James, “I’ll just- I’ll go.”</p><p>James set off to go down the stairs, when a voice surprised him. </p><p>“Wait,” said Regulus softly. James flipped around. “Do you want to stay? I have cigarettes” </p><p>James smiled. </p><p>****</p><p>Sirius sat on James’ couch and glanced up at him suspiciously. James was pacing. </p><p>“What’s up Jamie”</p><p>James took a deep breath, “Well, last night, I was home alone and there was this knocking on my door, so I obviously ignored it for awhile but”</p><p>“But what” asked Sirius, he was getting impatient. </p><p>“It was Regulus”</p><p>Sirius stared at James with his mouth slightly hung open. He seemed to be trying to say something but no words came out. Finally he choked out. “Is this your idea of a joke”</p><p>But then, after the words left Sirius’ mouth, James’ bedroom door opened, and there he was. <br/>He had his hands pressed together, a nervous glint in his eyes as he made his way to where Sirius was sitting. Sirius shot off the couch. </p><p>“What is this?” demanded Sirius. He tried to grab his wand but James took it from his hand.</p><p>“Sirius” began Regulus</p><p>“No,” he stated. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing here, but you need to leave and go back to mommy and daddy”</p><p>Regulus’ face fell a little. </p><p>“He left” said James matter of factly. </p><p>Sirius’ head whipped around to face James. “What?”</p><p>“He left Grimmauld Place”</p><p>Sirius paused. He looked genuinely baffled. “Is that true?” he asked Regulus, voice a little softer, but sharp nonetheless. Regulus gave a small nod. </p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You were right all along brother”</p><p>Sirius went silent. Regulus stared at him. James felt like he definitely shouldn’t be here. </p><p>“Well,” said James. “This is awkward” </p><p>James swore he saw a smile on Regulus’ lips. </p><p>“Reg” said Sirius, “What happened to you.”</p><p>Any life that was in Regulus' eyes left, he took a shaky breath. “I’m sure you can guess”</p><p>That, apparently, was all Sirius needed to hear, and he stepped forward and, to James’, and clearly also Regulus' surprise, gave him a hug. </p><p>“I don’t know if I can fully forgive you, but I love you, never stopped.” Sirius pulled back. “Your my brother”</p><p>Regulus held the stare. “Always”</p><p>***</p><p>“Want takeaway?” asked James. </p><p>Sirius had left a little while ago leaving Regulus in a rather depressed mood. </p><p>“At Least he didn’t hex you” James tried to joke but Regulus glared at him. “He just needs time”</p><p>“I know” groaned Regulus into his hands. “I just don’t have time”</p><p>“What do you mean?</p><p>Regulus’ face turned pained. “They will find me eventually James”</p><p>“I won’t let them hurt you.”</p><p>Regulus just looked at James with sadness in his eyes, as if he already knew what lay waiting for him. As if death was his only option. </p><p>“I’m serious Regulus”</p><p>“I know you are” he sighed, “That’s the problem.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. if you give me time, i can work on it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When James wakes up the next morning, Regulus is gone. </p><p>His first thought is full blown panic, and then his second is to look for a note. Unfortunately, there is no note, so back to panic. </p><p>Does this have to do with what he said last night, about not being able to stay. Would he leave without saying goodbye. Again. </p><p>James sat himself down on the couch and put his head in his hands. He made a list. </p><p>Things he knows:<br/>Regulus claims he is still in love with James<br/>Regulus has left Voldemort for good, even if it means he will die<br/>He might have actually left to go do just that<br/>He may be dead</p><p>But, just as he was about to really panic, the door to his house flies open, and in comes Regulus</p><p>James leaps to his feet. </p><p>“Where were you” he almost screams, Regulus whips his head around, clearly surprised by James' presence. </p><p>“James, I thought you would be sleeping”</p><p>“Well I’m not, where were you”</p><p>Regulus almost looks amused. “I went to go see Andromeda” </p><p>“You- What?”</p><p>“I went to see Andromeda, to tell her I left”</p><p>“Oh” James' anger slowly leaves his body and he begins to feel a little embarrassed. “I thought you ran away”</p><p>“No,” says Regulus firmly. “I wouldn’t do that”</p><p>And then Regulus does something that surprised James so much, he thought this must be someone else in Regulus’ body. He held up a coffee.</p><p>“I, Um, Thought I’d get this for you well I was out” said Regulus and James could see a faint blush spreading across his cheeks. This made James’ face grow warmer. </p><p>“Thank you” he said in barely a whisper and took the cup from his hand. Their fingers brushed ever so slightly as he took the cup from Regulus and he felt a current of electricity ripple through his body. He quickly stepped back.</p><p>“Well” James began, “I’m glad you aren’t dead”</p><p>“Me too” said Regulus, wearing a rare smile. </p><p>***</p><p>The day went much as the others did. They sit in silence across the room, sometimes meeting each other's eyes in quick glances. But never holding. Never saying anything.</p><p>Late in the evening, a owl came to the window. James opened the latch to let it in, and quickly untied the letter. Regulus came over to peer over his shoulder. </p><p>“It’s from Sirius” said James softly. “it’s probably for you, do you want to open it”</p><p>Regulus shook his head slowly. “You do it”</p><p>James tipped open the letter and read Sirius’ messy writing. </p><p>“Reg. I want you to know I forgive you, I mean of course I do. I know I did things wrong, and I know you did too. but I need space, for right now. I need to think about everything. Remus is helping me through it, and for now that’s enough, but soon I will want to speak to you. Love you brother”</p><p>James let Regulus read over his shoulder. He felt Regulus sink a little and the needed space, but he didn’t say anything. Just stared at the letter. </p><p>“It’s a good thing, right?” questioned James softly</p><p>“Yeah” said Regulus with a shaky breath. </p><p>James turned around to face Regulus. He looked tired. Like he had been holding on to a thread for the past few days. He probably had been. </p><p>Regulus met his eyes, and it wasn’t the icy stare he was used to, his eyes were sad, defeated. </p><p>Without thinking James took a step forward and wrapped Regulus in his arms. He felt him get stiff, and then relax and hug him back. James didn’t know how long he held him, but eventually, he heard Regulus’ muffled sobs as he clung onto James’ t-shirt</p><p>“I’m sorry” said James softly “I’m here”</p><p>Regulus cried harder.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. if I find a way, would you walk it with me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It finally happened.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Reg” James whispers softly once he pulls away. Regulus wipes his nose on his sleeves and makes weak eye contact with James</p><p>“I’m sorry”</p><p>“Don’t be,” says James quickly. and because he doesn’t know what else to say, “Tea?”</p><p>Regulus nods and follows him into the small kitchen. James keeps his house clean, and doesn’t have many decorations or photos. He never saw the point. He keeps all his pictures in a little box under his bed, where he can look at them when he wants to. </p><p>James puts the kettle on the stove and grabs two tea cups. “Milk? Sugar”</p><p>“Both” says Regulus. </p><p>James makes them each a cup, then sits down next to Regulus at his kitchen table. He slides the cup to him. </p><p>“Thank you” offers Regulus, and he takes a rather long sip of his tea.</p><p>“I’m sorry about Sirius” </p><p>Regulus doesn’t meet his eyes, but gives a slow nod of his head. </p><p>“Me too”</p><p>Regulus finishes his entire cup in the next sip and places it lightly on the table. </p><p>“Is it a burden?” Regulus starts, “Being here?”</p><p>“No” says James much too quickly, but he doesn’t correct himself. </p><p>Regulus finally meets James' eye. Still so sad. It feels like all the blue that was there prior has melted into a dull grey. </p><p>“I missed you” Regulus whispers, “Everyday, I missed you”</p><p>James blinks and looks down, but he whispers back, “Me too Reg. Every hour.”</p><p>Regulus reaches out, and James isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but he places his hand lightly on top of James’ on the table. As if scared James will rip it away. </p><p>“I’m sorry it ended. I never wanted that”</p><p>“I would say me neither.” says James sharply, “but you already knew that”</p><p>After he says it, he looks over a Regulus. Regulus just looks tired. James thinks he must look the same. </p><p>A long silence fills the room. James sips his tea, letting it burn his tongue. Regulus keeps his hand resting on James’. James doesn’t move. </p><p>“Do you still love me?” Regulus says, so quiet James wasn’t even sure he really said it. When he looks at Regulus again, he can see he’s waiting for an answer. </p><p>James could lie. He could shelter himself to make sure the same cannot repeat. He can do to Regulus what he did to him. But James doesn’t. He won’t. Because even though he hasn’t forgiven Regulus. He does love him. He at least knows that much. </p><p>After a long breath, James flips his hand over so that he is holding Regulus’ as well. “Yes” </p><p>Regulus smiles, for the first time since the letter. “Me too.” he replies. </p><p>***</p><p>After the intense talk at Tea, James suggests that they watch a movie. Really though, James just wants something to distract himself from the thoughts running through his head. </p><p>What did this mean? Were they just going to share a love confession and then go on acting as if nothing happened. Back to their routine of dancing around each other. </p><p>James wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he knew he didn’t want that. He knew that no matter what happened, he didn’t want to not have Regulus a part of it. </p><p>“What movie do you want to watch?” asked James while sorting through his huge box of DVD’s<br/>“Something happy”</p><p>“Disney?” asked James with a smile. </p><p>Regulus threw his head back and laughed. A real one. “Perhaps Beauty and the Beast?” Regulus said. </p><p>He was beautiful, thought James. </p><p>After James put the movie in, he went and sat next to Regulus, offering him the blanket kept on the couch. </p><p>“Want to share it?” Regulus asked, rather timidly. James nodded his head.</p><p>The whole point of this movie was to stop thinking about Regulus, but it has done the complete opposite. All he can think about is where his thigh is against Regulus’. And the laugh Regulus gives whenever something in the movie amuses him. </p><p>It’s maddening.</p><p>“Ah look, there you are” says Regulus when the beast comes on screen. James laughs.</p><p>“If I’m the beast, I guess that makes you the beauty.”</p><p>Regulus turns his head to look at him, and James can feel his breath on his face. They are so close. Legs against each other, pinky fingers just barely touching. </p><p>“The beast to my beauty” says Regulus. James can feel the heat from each word as Regulus speaks them. James opens his mouth to try and reply, but nothing comes out. It’s like the air has been taken from him. </p><p>Ever so slowly, Regulus reaches up and places his hand on James’ cheek. So soft it barely feels like it’s there. James puts his hand over it, gripping Regulus’ wrist. Regulus takes a shaky breath, and James wonders if he will actually kiss him. As if he can read James’ mind, Regulus slowly leans in, stopping just before their lips meet, as if asking permission, and James pushes forward, pressing his lips against Regulus. And it’s everything. It’s like air after he hadn’t realized he was suffocating. And Regulus is kissing him, after all these years of wondering, all these years of waiting. And James kisses him back, with just as much passion.</p><p>Regulus sucks on James’ lower lip and James opens his mouth as permission, letting Regulus slip his tongue into his mouth. James tries to pull Regulus closer. He needs the heat, the feeling of Regulus. Every place where their skin isn’t touching feels cold. Regulus shifts himself so he’s straddling James, without breaking the kiss. And it’s perfect. His lips feel like fire, in the best way, his hands feel electric where he’s holding onto Regulus’ hips. <br/>They kiss for what feels like hours. James pours everything he never said. All his feelings, all his love into each kiss and Regulus does the same. They have never kissed like this before, but it’s perfect. It’s beautiful. Regulus has his hands in James' hair and James has his hands on Regulus’ waist. </p><p>When Regulus pulls away, he looks James right in the eye, not blinking, not looking away. He places each palm on his cheeks, and whispers. “I love you” and James smiles at him, taking his hands and putting them in the exact same place. “I love you too”</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I know that I'm nothing like someone my family want me to be.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James woke up the next morning to two things. The first, was Regulus’ head on his chest, and the warm weight on his body pressed into his side. The second was an obnoxious ticking coming from his window. </p><p>Blinking his eyes open, James swiveled his head to look at the window, and there was Sirius’ owl. </p><p>Trying his best not to wake up Regulus, James slowly pried himself away from the arms wrapped around him. Regulus stirred for a moment, but kept sleeping. </p><p>James went to the window and opened it, took off the letter tied around the leg and opened it. The owl didn’t leave, so James assumed Sirius wanted a response to whatever it is. </p><p>The letter was short: </p><p>James &amp; Regulus<br/>I talked to Moony, as I often do in situations like this, and decided I want to see you both. I miss my brother and of course my best friend since you’ve been taking care of Reg. <br/>Let me know if I can come over. <br/>-Sirius B</p><p>James knew that he couldn’t make the decision on his own, so he walked over to Regulus’ sleeping body and shook him awake. </p><p>“Reg, wake up”</p><p>“Go away” he mumbled into his pillow</p><p>James had to hide his smile as he shook him a bit harder. “It’s a letter, your brother”</p><p>Regulus woke up rather quickly after that, and reached his hand out, signaling James to hand it over to him. James did. </p><p>After Regulus read it, it seemed a lot of tension left his body. He folded it up and handed it back to James with a bit more relaxation in his body.</p><p>“Tell him yes.”</p><p>James kissed Regulus’ forehead. He couldn’t believe he could do that now. A warm blush spread over Regulus’ cheek and he flopped himself back on the bed. </p><p> </p><p>James writes a short letter saying that yes, Sirius can come over. James also said Remus could come, he hadn’t seen him in awhile. </p><p>After he sent the letter back with Sirius’ owl, he sighed and got up to go make breakfast. </p><p>“Food?” asked James in the general direction of Regulus. He grunted in return and James went to the kitchen.</p><p>James was in a rather good mood. As good of a mood as he could be. <br/>He was worried. Regulus was still “missing” and people were still looking for him. James was scared for him. But he wasn’t scared for himself. He knew he would never let Regulus leave, not again. <br/>And he was happy. He didn’t know before, if he should let Regulus back in. He was so hurt. But he knew Regulus, better than anyone he thinks, and he doesn’t regret his choice. </p><p>James made eggs and toast- truth be told, he wasn’t a very good cook, and he also made a pot of tea. </p><p>When he was done he called for Regulus to come out, and Regulus stumbled out of his bedroom door, half asleep with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His hair was messed up and all over his face. </p><p>James thought he was beautiful. He didn’t say it though. </p><p>“Tea?” he asked and Regulus nodded his consent. </p><p>James sat down, Regulus next to him and passed the tea and food over to him. </p><p>“Thank you” mumbled Regulus. </p><p>“Sirius will probably be here for dinner tonight. Remus too”</p><p>“Remus?” asked Regulus. He sounded a little scared. </p><p>“Remus is the nicest person ever, don’t worry”</p><p>“I’ve just never met him.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, he’ll love you”</p><p>Regulus mumbled something that sounded like “yeah right” and ate his food, James followed. </p><p>***</p><p>“So what should we have for dinner?” Regulus asked James as he sat down next to James on the couch. </p><p>“Take away? I don’t know I can’t cook”</p><p>Regulus snorted. “Hey!” said James.</p><p>“Sorry darling, your eggs and toast were a delicacy” </p><p>“You are so annoying,” said James, but he was smiling like an idiot. </p><p>Regulus leaned his head against James’ shoulder, “Okay?” he asked. James wrapped his arm around his shoulder as a way to say yes. <br/>They sat like that for a while. James felt happy. He hadn’t felt happy in a long time. He decided to tell him that. </p><p>“Me too” whispered Regulus, turning his head a little so he could meet James’ eyes. James looked over at him too. “I’m just sad I didn’t realize sooner”</p><p>***</p><p>Dinner time came quicker than expected, and Regulus agreed that take away was probably the best choice. So James went and picked up a pizza while Regulus waited at home. By the time he came back, Sirius and Remus were already there. </p><p>“Moony!” said James</p><p>Remus turned to him with a smile, “Hello Prongs”</p><p>“Couldn’t even cook for us” said Sirius with a smirk</p><p>“Did you really want to eat his cooking” said Regulus, Sirius laughed<br/>“Good point Reg”</p><p>They all went and sat around the table, eating on paper plates. Sirius looked a little nervous, but definitely not more nervous than Regulus. <br/>James was sitting next to him and he could feel Regulus’ leg tapping. James reached over and placed his hand on his leg, he stopped and looked at James appreciatively. </p><p>“So” said Sirius, Regulus looked over and made eye contact</p><p>“So”</p><p>“What made you leave?”</p><p>Regulus took a sharp inhale, “I had enough, the things- the horrible things they do. Sirius it was awful, I couldn’t be there, I couldn’t be that”</p><p>“Why didn’t you leave with me then?”</p><p>“I’m not the same as you. I kept my head down, tried to just make it until I was 17 and could leave, but they trapped me there. Sometimes I believed their lies, sometimes I didn’t, but either way, I was trapped.”</p><p>“You always have a choice”</p><p>“Not with him.”</p><p>The table fell silent, James felt his breath catch. He knew who “he” was of course, he just never realized how deep Regulus had been. </p><p>“How did you get out then” asked James, Regulus met his eyes. </p><p>“I faked my death”</p><p>“You- what?” said Sirius baffled. </p><p>“It was the only way” said Regulus, he met Sirius’ eyes again. “I would do anything to leave. I would have died if I had to.”</p><p>Sirius looked an emotion James had never seen, He could see Remus holding his hand, not saying anything but observing nonetheless. Suddenly, Sirius stood up, throwing his chair back, marched over to Regulus and pulled him into a fierce hug. </p><p>“I love you Reg” whispered Sirius, and Regulus cried. </p><p>James and Remus had a silent conversation and left the room. They sat on James’ couch, not talking for a minute, Remus broke the silence. </p><p>“So how long have you been in love with him”</p><p>“What?” said James as his head snapped to Remus, “Who?”</p><p>“Regulus, Sirius may be blind but I’m not”</p><p>“Remus-”</p><p>“I think it’s wonderful you found someone, I know you love him, does he love you?”</p><p>“He does”</p><p>“Then that’s what matters”</p><p>James had never been so happy to have Remus as a friend, and it felt amazing, finally telling someone about him and Regulus. It felt more real, permanent. </p><p>“Will you tell him?” asked Remus. </p><p>“Yeah, I will, just maybe not yet.”</p><p>“I’m happy for you, and he will be too, even if it’s a shock at first”</p><p>“You’re right”</p><p>“And, I mean, it’s not normal behavior for two men to live together and share a room”</p><p>James laughed at that, a loud real one. This is why he loved Remus. </p><p>“Love you Moony”</p><p>“Love you too Prongs”</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. all of the stars have a reason</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>this is the last chapter before an epilogue. thank you for all the love on this story</p>
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    <p>When they left, Regulus sat on the couch with James, his head resting on his shoulder. James still wasn’t used to the close contact, but he wasn’t complaining. </p><p>“Reg” James said, nudging his shoulder</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I think we should tell Sirius”</p><p>Regulus’ head came off his shoulder, and for a second, he thought maybe he was mad. But he just looked at James, and nodded his head. </p><p>“You’re right”</p><p>“I’m always right,” James joked. </p><p>Regulus scoffed, “Right, of course” he responded while James laughed. </p><p>“When should we tell him?”</p><p>“Tomorrow” </p><p>***</p><p>James doesn’t know how he ever slept without Regulus beside him. </p><p>He woke in the morning, Regulus’ warm body pushed against him, with his head resting on his chest and his arm thrown over his stomach. </p><p>James sighed and closed his eyes, letting himself lay there for a little while. He stayed until he felt Regulus stirring, and James pulled back to look at him. </p><p>“Morning” said Regulus, his voice still raspy from sleep. </p><p>“Hey” responded James.</p><p>Regulus was beautiful. He knows he says it all the time, and that Regulus probably thinks it’s ridiculous, but James doesn’t care. Because he is beautiful. <br/>He was laying in bed, with his hair all messed up, hanging across his forehead and frizzy in places. He had bags under his eyes and they were still half closed with sleep. He was wearing a horrible ratty old t-shirt James thinks he’s had for at least 5 years. </p><p>But he was beautiful. </p><p>“What are you looking at” asked Regulus, turning to make eye contact with James</p><p>“You”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“‘Cause you’re beautiful”<br/>Regulus scoffed and slapped James’ arm a little, but James still saw the pink slowly tinting his cheeks, he smiled. </p><p>“You are such a cliche!”</p><p>James fake gasped, “How dare you!” he said while Regulus laughed at him. </p><p>Regulus got quiet and mumbled something into his pillow. James thought he said “you too” but he was going to make him say it. </p><p>“What was that”</p><p>Regulus sighed and turned to face James again, holding eye contact. “You’re beautiful too”</p><p>James leaned over and kissed him softly, and Regulus quickly deepened the kiss, opening his mouth so James could kiss him back just as hard. They probably both had morning breath and were both tired but neither of them seemed to care. They just kissed the entire morning. Because they could. </p><p>When they pulled apart, James’ mouth was swollen and tingling and Regulus just looked at him smiling and all James thought was. I love you, I love you, I love you. </p><p>***</p><p>They spent most of the day in bed, but when it started getting closer to dinner, they reluctantly got out of bed to go make something. </p><p>Regulus insisted on cooking, because he was “tired of take out” and James was happy to let him. James sat on the counter and watched him. </p><p>“You are such a child” Regulus laughed when James switched his sitting position of the counter to criss cross and he just laughed. Regulus was making lasagna, and by the time it was nearly done, the doorbell rang and James went over to get it. </p><p>“Prongs” nodded Sirius as he stepped in the door. </p><p>“Uh, Hi” said James. </p><p>He was suddenly very nervous. He didn’t even think about what could happen before now. It was his best friend's brother. Would Sirius care about that? And what if he did? Then what? </p><p>“Coming?” said Sirius as he walked towards the kitchen. James followed. </p><p>They all sat around the table. Neither James nor Regulus was saying anything, and Sirius was just staring skeptically. <br/>“So” said Sirius, breaking the silence, “What’s going on”</p><p>James cleared his throat, “Well-”</p><p>“We’re dating,” said Regulus. </p><p>Sirius looked between both of us, not saying anything. The silence was absolute torture. <br/>But then, Sirius did something that surprised him even more. He broke out in a fit of hysterical laughter. James looked and Regulus, who looked just as surprised as he was. </p><p>“Sirius, please don’t be mad-” started James but Sirius cut him off. </p><p>“Did you really think I didn’t know?”</p><p>James and Regulus’ mouth both dropped. </p><p>“I’m not a complete idiot! I mean, you’re living together! It’s not a coincidence that this is the first place Regulus came when he left. And I see you making googly eyes at each other whenever I’m here! I’m not blind”</p><p>After a beat, Regulus asked, “So, you don’t care?” </p><p>“Nope”</p><p>“You are fine with me dating your brother?”</p><p>“Well” said Sirius, turning to look at him, “You love him right.”</p><p>“I-” James started but abruptly stopped, he did love Regulus and he wouldn’t tell Sirius anything else. “Yes I love him” </p><p>Sirius then turned to Regulus, “And you love this tosser?” he asked. Regulus responded “Yes” without hesitation. </p><p>“Well that’s all that matters to me.”</p><p>James didn’t think he had ever loved Sirius more. </p><p>***</p><p>James fell asleep happier than he had been in awhile. He had the man he loved beside him, his bestfriend was okay with it, and for the foreseeable future, James got to spend it locked up in a house with Regulus. All in all, it sounded amazing. </p><p>Regulus curled into James side, and he pressed a kiss on his forehead.</p><p>“Do you feel relieved?” Regulus asked sleepily </p><p>“Yeah, I’m glad he was cool with it”</p><p>“I was almost positive he would be”</p><p>“Me too, but hearing him say it helped.”</p><p>Regulus went quiet for a minute, and James could tell he wanted to say something.</p><p>“What?” he prompted</p><p>“I was wondering” he started, “would it have changed anything? If he had reacted badly”</p><p>James thought about it for a minute. He always knew deep down Sirius would be okay with it, even if it was a surprise, but if for some weird reason he wasn’t, James loved Regulus. </p><p>He loves him more than he had ever loved something before, and as much as Sirius was important to him, he wouldn’t give that up, not after he had already lost it before. </p><p>“No” said James firmly</p><p>“No?” asked Regulus timidly</p><p>“No. I love you, and if Sirius had a problem with that, it wouldn’t change the fact that I love you.”</p><p>Regulus didn’t respond right away, and after a beat, he raised his head to look at James. </p><p>“James”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Will you be my boyfriend?”</p><p>James let out a sharp laugh of surprise at that, and Regulus started laughing too. “Yes Reg, I’ll be your boyfriend”</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. a reason to shine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Short epilogue! Hope you all liked the story.</p>
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    <p>
  <strong>1 year later</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The party was way too loud, thought James. </p><p>Her swiveled his head around to see if he could spot his friends, but none of the heads looked familiar, sighing, he walked over to the kitchen for a beer. </p><p>It had been 6 months since the war came to a close. No one is exactly sure why. James knows better then to think it's truly done, but he decided to live like it was while he still can. </p><p>"Hey" said a voice from his side. James turned is head, and Regulus stood there smiling at him. </p><p>"Hi" James said, smiling back. </p><p>Regulus reached over him and also got a beer, and grabbed James' hand, taking him to the porch outside Sirius' house. They sat on the little wooden steps, facing the forest that stretched around the little house. The moon cast an eerie glow on the trees. </p><p>"I can't believe my brother is getting married"</p><p>James felt his face light up. Sirius had finally proposed to Remus 1 month after the war wrapped up. James knew he always wanted to, but it was just to hard with everything. James was going to be Remus' best man, because Sirius wanted Regulus to be his. (Even though he asked James to make sure it's okay)</p><p>"I can, he's been wanting this forever"</p><p>Regulus was quiet, he took a small sip from his beer, twisting it around. "Marriage is kind of scary, don't you think?"</p><p>"I don't know, I don't think so"</p><p>"What do you mean?" asks Regulus. </p><p>"I think if you love someone enough, it's not such a scary thing to vow to be with them forever, more exciting I think"</p><p>Regulus doesn't answer right away, he just looks at James, a funny look in his eyes. "You're right"</p><p>James looks at him a little bemused. "Finally admitting I'm always right?"</p><p>He snorts, "You wish. Don't let it go to your head"</p><p>James rests his head on Regulus' shoulder. "Too late"</p><p>They stayed like that until Sirius came outside to find them. He snorted and James and Regulus both turned around. </p><p>"Look at this pretty picture" he laughed. </p><p>"What it, Black, I'm not the one having a wedding in a meadow"</p><p>Regulus laughed and Sirius put is hand on his heart in mock outrage. </p><p>"How dare you! I'll have you know flowers and the new emo"</p><p>James rolled his eyes and caught Regulus doing the same. </p><p>"I'm going to get another drink" announced Regulus. </p><p>"Meet you in a sec'" </p><p>When Regulus went inside, Sirius walked over and plopped himself down next to James. </p><p>"So" started James, "I'm not going to bother with the don't hurt him talk because a) I've already done that and b) You wouldn't anyway"</p><p>"Oh also, I'm happy for you" he added as a second thought. Sirius just punched his shoulder lightly. </p><p>"You know I'd never"</p><p>"Yeah I know" smiled James. "Are you nervous?"</p><p>"Terrified" admitted Sirius, "But I also know this is exactly what I want. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life proving it, you know?"</p><p>"Yeah. I know" said James softly. </p><p>Sirius glanced at him, a soft smile still tugging at his lips. "Think you'll ever marry Reg?"</p><p>James turns over abruptly. He had never really thought about it. He loved him, but he always just assumed they both knew it was forever, and didn't need a wedding to tie them together. But maybe not. </p><p>"I always thought it was silly, if you already knew you wanted to be with them forever."</p><p>"I don't know" Sirius sighed. "I always knew I wanted Remus for life, but I'm marrying him because I want to show that I'm spending my life as his, no take backs or regrets. Just us. And, I know you don't need a wedding for that, I mean, Marls and Dorcas never did and look at them" James gives a breathy laugh. "I just like the idea. And I'm extra" he adds as a second thought. </p><p>James snorts, "That you are" he takes a breath before continuing. "I never liked the whole show of a wedding, but I would marry him, of course I would" he says with a finality. And he realized he meant it. He would do anything Regulus wanted. Marriage or not, kids or not, and he would do it happily. </p><p>Sirius pats his shoulder and gets up, offering a hand to James. "Go find your boyfriend" he winks. </p><p>Back inside, James finds Regulus chatting to Remus, and makes his way over, laying his hand on his shoulder to announce his prescience. </p><p>"Want to go home" he whispers in his ear. Regulus shivers a little and nods his head, grabbing James hand to interlock their fingers. </p><p>***</p><p>Once they got home, laying in bed, James turned himself over so he was facing Regulus, and Regulus mirrored him. </p><p>James reached his hand over to cup his cheek. "You know I would marry you" he says, "If you ever wanted to"</p><p>Regulus is silent for a little, but before James could get nervous, Regulus reached over and closed the gap, kissing James hard on the mouth. </p><p>When he pulled back, Regulus face was flushed and he smiled. "I'd marry you any day James"</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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